Tuesday, January 15, 2013

If only

It's been a weekend of saying "if only."

It began about 1:00 on Sunday, just about the time the Atlanta Falcons kicked the game-winning field goal over the Seattle Seahawks, following Seattle's furious fight back from the brink of total domination.

If only the defense could have made a play in the last 30 seconds, they'd be playing again this Sunday.

If only the Seahawks had held a lead earlier in the season against Miami. If only they had found a way to beat Arizona or St. Louis or one of the other teams they should have beaten this year. Then they would have been the NFC West champs and had home-field advantage, and they're still playing this weekend against San Francisco.

If only they actually showed up in the first three quarters and played like they're capable of. If only Chris Clemons isn't hurt in the game against the Redskins.

Any number of tiny details, had they gone the other way, and Seattle is still in the hunt for the Super Bowl. Which made the loss bitter, and the response a litany of "if only?"

But then Monday morning rolled around, and I took a call from a church member who is also the local school librarian. In a broken voice, she told me that a young mother in the community had killed herself over the weekend, taking a gun to her own head to end her life. And that her two daughters and their dad were in the house and heard the shot, and he went in and found her dead on the floor.

This mother used to bring her daughters to the activities at our church. Her youngest was part of our children's group, her older daughter came to the girls' Bible study led by my wife. More recently, that youngest daughter had come to our youth group in the last few months.

Last Thursday I went to the Middle School for a band concert. At the intermission I was standing near the front and saw this mother near the back, standing by herself. You know the thought that runs through your mind. "I should go say hi." But then somebody wanted to talk to me, and the concert began again, and afterward you have to pick up your kid and it's all chaotic and you never do go say "hi."

And there's a whole new slew of "if only."

If only I had gone and said "hi" on Thursday. If only our kids' program had been healthier, and the Bible study hadn't fallen apart in turmoil at the end. If we'd been able to keep them in our loop, instead of losing them when our church went through some hard times a few years ago.

But, no. There's really no blame to be had, no great lesson to be learned. Not knowing the explanation behind the act, there's no knowing whether we could have made a difference. The only truth is that a woman was distraught enough to end her life, and she's left behind a grieving, broken family. The mind begins to run down the "if only" road, but I can't go there. Yes, I wish I'd talked to her on Thursday, but there was no reason to believe at that point that this would happen. So I can't regret my choices that night.

What I do take away is this: we're surrounded by hurting people. And we need to love them. And we need to be involved in peoples' lives. And we need to look them in the eye and say "how are you doing?" And we need to realize this isn't a game. And we need to take the chance when we have it, because there may not be a tomorrow. We're not responsible for the actions of other people, but we can at least let them know we care.

If only we can do that, then we're going to make a difference.


lori said...

What a tragedy. You cannot go down the "what if?" road as you say. A hello would not have saved her life. If she had let someone know how she was feeling, perhaps she could have gotten the help she needed. When people take their own life they leave behind people who in their pain and guilt "what if?" When you are in that moment though, the only thing you can see is your pain. Your mind plays tricks on you and tells you there is no hope, that the world would be better off without you, or that life will never get better, that no one understands. It is the darkest place to be. Satan did his job well.

There is a family left behind though and we need to reach out to them. We need to pray for them. They will never be the same, they will not likely get over it, but with love of friends and family and community, and God's love and care, they can get through it. With God healing is possible. Let us know what we can do. I so appreciate your compassion.

Wes Lathan said...

I never really fully understood the idea of "processing" until you helped define it for me. Thank you for doing your processing in public. It is a gift to all who read what you write.