In the great big scheme of things, I haven't had all that many jobs. Delivery boy, pool cleaner, dish washer, paperboy, youth pastor, choir director, copy editor, pastor. I can't exactly claim to have experience across a vast spectrum of employment practices. But there's one that counts as The Worst Job I Ever Had.
It wasn't the month I spent crouched in an empty hotel swimming pool, grinding the paint off with heavy machinery that left my arms aching. That was pretty bad, especially having to be covered head-to-toe and breathing through a thick mask, all during hot summer days. I went home feeling dead every night, but I didn't necessarily mind the heavy labor (as a side note, this was during the Oliver North trial - I remember taking lunch breaks at the hotel and catching bits and pieces of good ol' Ollie up there on the stand).
But that still couldn't compare to The Worst Job I Ever Had.
Which would have been the year I spent as a clerk in a Christian bookstore. I had taken the position to supplement my meager part-time youth pastor salary, and really, what could be better for a young man in ministry than working in a Christian bookstore?
It turned out, a lot of things would have been better.
I was listening to Susan Ashton on spotify last week, and for a moment it all came back. It reminded me of one night in particular; Brian and I were working, but no customers had stopped in all evening. Finally one teenage girl walked in, one who stopped by pretty regularly. She was a big fan of The Choir. Brian and I were a little tired of the sappy muzak we'd been playing all night, so, for her sake, we put in a Choir tape. She lit up with excitement that we'd play her favorite music. She even bought something that night.
A couple days later Brian and I were almost fired. Our customer had been back to the store the next day, and shared with the manager how pleased she had been with hearing The Choir in the store. She praised us highly. But The Choir wasn't on the approved play list. That list mostly included Southern Gospel, easy listening, and Sandy Patti. So, in spite of the fact that nobody was in the store that night, in spite of the fact that this customer was giving us a huge compliment, the manager almost fired us. But, to show his 'gentle' side, he let us off with a warning, that if we ever pulled 'a stunt' like that again, we'd be out the door.
There was so much wrong with that job. From the management treating employees poorly (one friend reached his 5-year anniversary working there. To thank him, they gave him a 10-cent an hour raise. His first raise, his only raise, in all the time he worked there), to the crap we had to sell in the name of Jesus (and when I say crap, I refer both to the shlocky and the heretical crap on our shelves), to the customers who would come in only to argue about stupid issues like the Inspired King James Version vs. all those satanic fake translations like the NIV, or whether or not Santa Claus was a demonic conspiracy to destroy the faith of children. Maybe the lowest point for me was witnessing a young mother using her 5-year-old son to shoplift tacky Christian jewelry. The kid was pocketing the jewelry even as she watched. Genius, really. If he got it out of there, good for them. If he was caught, she could reprimand him and apologize, explaining it away as youthful ignorance. Way to 'train up your child in the way they should go,' lady.
The store was part of a chain that was ultimately owned by the same people who owned Radio Shack, so I don't think they cared about ministry, so long as they made a profit. But even there, they were idiots. Based out of Nashville, they perpetually sent us products that were hot-sellers in Nashville. But we were in Southern California, a long way physically and socially from Nashville. Customers would ask for Crystal Lewis, but they sent us Verne Tripp sings the Gospel Greats! We'd tell corporate that we had 20 requests for the Prayer Chain, only to be told "nope - people want Verne Tripp sings the Gospel Greats!" So we'd have 40 copies of Verne Tripp singing the Gospel Greats, all sitting unsold on the shelves, while turning away the customers who wanted Dakota Motor Company.
And then there was all the heretical stuff we had to sell - the health and wealth, the Kenneth Copeland and Benny Hinn and Charles Capps and the Rhema Word-of-Faith stuff. It killed me to ring that stuff up and send it off with customers, even while knowing it was preaching a false gospel that God despises. But it was a hot seller, and I was there to sell stuff for the company, so who was I to say anything?
But sometimes we'd put in a Susan Ashton tape, and for a moment, grace would fall. Something about her gentle voice, couple with her talent for meaningful lyrics, would speak to me, reminding me that there was more to Christianity than the commercial aspects I was witnessing. That there was hope beyond all this mess.
And eventually, the church where I worked decided to pay me enough that I could quit that job. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Looking back, leaving that place might have saved my faith. I'm sure it's a coincidence, but they closed down, went out of business within the next year or two. And I can't say I was sad.
So there you go. No point to this story, really, other than to share the Worst Job I Ever Had. And to say that I know first-hand what it's like to get dumped on by supposed brothers and sisters in the Kingdom of God. On the other hand, it was in a Christian bookstore/coffeehouse a few years later that I met my wife, so I can't say they're all bad places. Just that one where I worked in the early 1990s in Upland, California.
Showing posts with label tacky Christian stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tacky Christian stuff. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
When Youth Pastors Grow Up (?)
About 10 years ago, there was a youth pastor holed up in his office, trying to think of a creative way to get kids in the door so he could tell them about Jesus. This was a significant part of his job. Yes, actually telling kids about Jesus was important, but getting them in the door occupied most of his energy. Kids were busy with school and family and Halo, kids weren't interested in church, and the kids who were interested were mostly heading to the bigger church down the street, the church with the bigger budget and the cooler toys. So our youth pastor friend here was desperate to come up with a new way to get kids into the door of his church.
On good days, most youth pastors would say their primary goal in life was to introduce kids to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and then to train them as followers of Christ. On more honest days, however. . .the unspoken truth was that their unspoken goal was just to get kids in the door. Yes, before you can tell kids about Jesus you need to meet them, so getting them in the door was a good goal. But in reality, one of the only measures of success that could be gauged was "how many kids are sitting in the seats?" Church members would look at the budget every year, and compare it to "how many kids are sitting in the seats?" Youth pastors would read books and go to conferences and the not-so-subtle message they heard was "effective youth ministries have lots of kids sitting in the seats." All the youth pastors in town would gather for lunch, and everybody knew who the superstars were, who the really important youth pastors were - the ones who had the most kids sitting in the seats. In fact, the really really important youth pastors didn't even come to the meetings, because they were so busy taking care of all those kids that were sitting in those seats.
And of course, they all knew that the way to get kids into those seats was to offer something really cool. Really radical. Really awesome. Really gross. Really relevant. Like a series called "Jesus and Sex and Dating." Or, more often, an event that was just awesome and super and gross. Like when the church across town held the Nickelodeon-style Slime Night, at which the youth pastor and his staff and some of the cool kids all got slimed, and it was gross and awesome and amazing, and all the kids in town were talking about how cool it was when the youth intern (the new hip one) had gotten slimed.
So our youth pastor, the one in our story, had to come up with something even more cool and gross and awesome than slime night. He didn't want to admit it, but he was in competition with all those other churches, so he had to out-cool, out-awesome, out-gross those others. He needed something more super-awesome than Slime Night.
So he sat there, with a couple of his volunteers, and the racked their brains, until an idea popped into his head.
"I know. . .let's have a toilet bowl night! That will be super-gross and funny. We can have toilet-themed games! Like, we could fill a (clean) toilet with Mountain Dew, and throw in some Tootsie Rolls, and make the kids get them out with their mouths - like bobbing for apples, only in a toilet!"
(note: this is an actual youth group event that has been tried in many youth ministries across America. I'm not making it up.)
And then his intern said "Yeah! We could even throw in some mustard, so it looks like diarrhea!" And they all laughed at that one for a good 5 minutes.
They spent the next hour coming up with slogans and toilet bowl relay races and toilet-paper games. The creative arts girl went to work putting together the graphic arts for the flyers. And they all went home that day, stoked at their creativity that was sure to bring in a big crowd to sit in those seats.
Now, the thing is, sometimes in youth ministry, this isn't all bad. Kids like gross and different and fun; they might invite their friends to toilet night, and they'd certainly talk about it for years to come. A steady diet of gross-out super radical youth ministry can be dangerous, but the occasional goofy game night can be a welcome moment of frivolity for stressed-out kids.
What I always wondered, though, was what would happen when all these youth pastors, whose primary giftings seemed to lie in creative ways to fill the seats, grew up and became senior pastors or church planters. There has often been, unfortunately, a correlation between a youth pastor's immaturity and their success, at least insofar as getting kids to sit in those seats. So what happens when that mentality of "immaturity + gross-out factor = more people in the seats" moves upward into the senior leadership in the church?
That question is now being answered. A few years ago a church in a Seattle suburb held a large promotional event, offering free tattoos during their morning worship service. This year's example was a church in South Carolina that mailed out thousands of mass-mail invitations to Easter worship; on the cover was a photograph of a dead rabbit on the road, obvious road-kill, surrounded by plastic Easter eggs.
Setting aside the fact that mass-mail invitations have been proven to be absolutely worthless in attracting people to church, these were sent out with the direct purpose of offending people. According to their pastor, "Are we willing to offend some to get the attention of other folks who have no regard for Jesus, the church, the gospel or Easter? That's a risk a we're always willing to take."
Listen, the gospel is offensive enough without us adding layers and layers of trumped-up offense. As the Rev. Don Robinson once said, "If we're going to offend people, let's make sure they're offended for the right reasons." Proclaiming the lordship of Jesus? Okay. Mailing out postcards with dead bunnies to unsuspecting families? Not so much.
By the way, that whole 'competing with the church across town' idea was certainly at play here. Because another church in the same town set this sign up to attract people:
If there was one thing lacking in many of the youth pastors I used to know, it was the filter that said "Just because it gets people's attention, it's not necessarily a good idea." And the subsidiary filter that said "Just because it's my idea, it's not necessarily a good idea."
Unfortunately, it seems that, just because these youth pastors grew up and became senior pastors and church planters, they didn't leave behind the "be super-shocking and amazing to get people in the seats" mentality.
Not to rant about this too long. . .but just imagine for a moment you're a frazzled single mom, barely making it through a long day of getting kids up and out the door to school, heading off to work, picking up the kids from day care, running them to soccer practice, heading home for dinner, and then little Susie picks up the mail and finds this picture of a dead rabbit. Exactly what part of that makes you say "Oh yes, I want to go to that church! That looks like a place where I'll find the love, mercy, grace, hope, and friendship I so desperately need! That looks like a place of hope and grace!" Really. . .what non-church attender is going to come to your church because of this? The only people you're really going to attract is people who are already attending other churches, but getting a little bored with the same-old same-old. So you're not spreading the gospel, you're really just stealing sheep with the help of cheap marketing tactics.
And that's not how you build a healthy church.
Addendum 1: Over the last few years I've hung out with many youth pastors who seem to be doing much better at the disciple-making thing, avoiding much of the gimmick-based ministry of earlier days. So don't read this as any kind of judgment against today's youth ministers. The ones I know are pretty cool people.
Addendum 2: I just noticed that Eugene Cho posted a blog about this same subject a few days ago. As usual, he says it a lot better than I did.
On good days, most youth pastors would say their primary goal in life was to introduce kids to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and then to train them as followers of Christ. On more honest days, however. . .the unspoken truth was that their unspoken goal was just to get kids in the door. Yes, before you can tell kids about Jesus you need to meet them, so getting them in the door was a good goal. But in reality, one of the only measures of success that could be gauged was "how many kids are sitting in the seats?" Church members would look at the budget every year, and compare it to "how many kids are sitting in the seats?" Youth pastors would read books and go to conferences and the not-so-subtle message they heard was "effective youth ministries have lots of kids sitting in the seats." All the youth pastors in town would gather for lunch, and everybody knew who the superstars were, who the really important youth pastors were - the ones who had the most kids sitting in the seats. In fact, the really really important youth pastors didn't even come to the meetings, because they were so busy taking care of all those kids that were sitting in those seats.
And of course, they all knew that the way to get kids into those seats was to offer something really cool. Really radical. Really awesome. Really gross. Really relevant. Like a series called "Jesus and Sex and Dating." Or, more often, an event that was just awesome and super and gross. Like when the church across town held the Nickelodeon-style Slime Night, at which the youth pastor and his staff and some of the cool kids all got slimed, and it was gross and awesome and amazing, and all the kids in town were talking about how cool it was when the youth intern (the new hip one) had gotten slimed.
So our youth pastor, the one in our story, had to come up with something even more cool and gross and awesome than slime night. He didn't want to admit it, but he was in competition with all those other churches, so he had to out-cool, out-awesome, out-gross those others. He needed something more super-awesome than Slime Night.
So he sat there, with a couple of his volunteers, and the racked their brains, until an idea popped into his head.
"I know. . .let's have a toilet bowl night! That will be super-gross and funny. We can have toilet-themed games! Like, we could fill a (clean) toilet with Mountain Dew, and throw in some Tootsie Rolls, and make the kids get them out with their mouths - like bobbing for apples, only in a toilet!"
(note: this is an actual youth group event that has been tried in many youth ministries across America. I'm not making it up.)
And then his intern said "Yeah! We could even throw in some mustard, so it looks like diarrhea!" And they all laughed at that one for a good 5 minutes.
They spent the next hour coming up with slogans and toilet bowl relay races and toilet-paper games. The creative arts girl went to work putting together the graphic arts for the flyers. And they all went home that day, stoked at their creativity that was sure to bring in a big crowd to sit in those seats.
Now, the thing is, sometimes in youth ministry, this isn't all bad. Kids like gross and different and fun; they might invite their friends to toilet night, and they'd certainly talk about it for years to come. A steady diet of gross-out super radical youth ministry can be dangerous, but the occasional goofy game night can be a welcome moment of frivolity for stressed-out kids.
What I always wondered, though, was what would happen when all these youth pastors, whose primary giftings seemed to lie in creative ways to fill the seats, grew up and became senior pastors or church planters. There has often been, unfortunately, a correlation between a youth pastor's immaturity and their success, at least insofar as getting kids to sit in those seats. So what happens when that mentality of "immaturity + gross-out factor = more people in the seats" moves upward into the senior leadership in the church?
That question is now being answered. A few years ago a church in a Seattle suburb held a large promotional event, offering free tattoos during their morning worship service. This year's example was a church in South Carolina that mailed out thousands of mass-mail invitations to Easter worship; on the cover was a photograph of a dead rabbit on the road, obvious road-kill, surrounded by plastic Easter eggs.
Setting aside the fact that mass-mail invitations have been proven to be absolutely worthless in attracting people to church, these were sent out with the direct purpose of offending people. According to their pastor, "Are we willing to offend some to get the attention of other folks who have no regard for Jesus, the church, the gospel or Easter? That's a risk a we're always willing to take."
Listen, the gospel is offensive enough without us adding layers and layers of trumped-up offense. As the Rev. Don Robinson once said, "If we're going to offend people, let's make sure they're offended for the right reasons." Proclaiming the lordship of Jesus? Okay. Mailing out postcards with dead bunnies to unsuspecting families? Not so much.
By the way, that whole 'competing with the church across town' idea was certainly at play here. Because another church in the same town set this sign up to attract people:
If there was one thing lacking in many of the youth pastors I used to know, it was the filter that said "Just because it gets people's attention, it's not necessarily a good idea." And the subsidiary filter that said "Just because it's my idea, it's not necessarily a good idea."
Unfortunately, it seems that, just because these youth pastors grew up and became senior pastors and church planters, they didn't leave behind the "be super-shocking and amazing to get people in the seats" mentality.
Not to rant about this too long. . .but just imagine for a moment you're a frazzled single mom, barely making it through a long day of getting kids up and out the door to school, heading off to work, picking up the kids from day care, running them to soccer practice, heading home for dinner, and then little Susie picks up the mail and finds this picture of a dead rabbit. Exactly what part of that makes you say "Oh yes, I want to go to that church! That looks like a place where I'll find the love, mercy, grace, hope, and friendship I so desperately need! That looks like a place of hope and grace!" Really. . .what non-church attender is going to come to your church because of this? The only people you're really going to attract is people who are already attending other churches, but getting a little bored with the same-old same-old. So you're not spreading the gospel, you're really just stealing sheep with the help of cheap marketing tactics.
And that's not how you build a healthy church.
Addendum 1: Over the last few years I've hung out with many youth pastors who seem to be doing much better at the disciple-making thing, avoiding much of the gimmick-based ministry of earlier days. So don't read this as any kind of judgment against today's youth ministers. The ones I know are pretty cool people.
Addendum 2: I just noticed that Eugene Cho posted a blog about this same subject a few days ago. As usual, he says it a lot better than I did.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
This is Offensive
This was pointed out on a worship leader facebook group of which I'm a part. It's a brand-new album release. And it defines the word "hubris."
Some label out there has just released a CD entitled "Let's All Worship." It's the subtitle that is evil: "The Very Best Worship Songs of All Time."
Think about that for a second. The Very Best. Of all time.
Hmm. I doubt it. Especially when the 'old ones' include 'Shine, Jesus, Shine.' Let alone that 'Shine Jesus Shine' should never end up on any album with the title 'best' in it. That's as historic as they get.
Somehow I think Bach might have something to say about this. Or, say, Handel? Mozart? Tallis? Rutter? Or someone more 'modern,' like John Wesley or Fannie Crosby? How do they not rate on the list of "The Very Best Worship Songs of All Time" ? How is Messiah not on here? Or Vivaldi's Gloria? I enjoy Paul Baloche as much as the next person, but is he really one of the 25 best worship music composers OF ALL TIME? I highly doubt it.
Oh, and this. As a selling point, they mention their international flavor, with music from Australia to the UK to Ireland to the U.S. Yep. Truly international. Although. . .pretty white, too. Funny how nothing by any Mexican composer made it here. How do we know "The Heart of Worship" is definitively better than a song being sung in an underground Chinese church right now? Or something being sung under a tree in Africa? Or in the jungles of New Guinea? Being a Covenanter, I should point out no Swedish songs made the list either.
Seriously. This is offensive. (the fact that if you follow that link, the album shows up under a banner ad for a new Casting Crowns CD is offensive, too, but that's a different story for a different day).
Who sits in a room and comes up with this stuff? They ought to be smited.
Some label out there has just released a CD entitled "Let's All Worship." It's the subtitle that is evil: "The Very Best Worship Songs of All Time."
Think about that for a second. The Very Best. Of all time.
Hmm. I doubt it. Especially when the 'old ones' include 'Shine, Jesus, Shine.' Let alone that 'Shine Jesus Shine' should never end up on any album with the title 'best' in it. That's as historic as they get.
Somehow I think Bach might have something to say about this. Or, say, Handel? Mozart? Tallis? Rutter? Or someone more 'modern,' like John Wesley or Fannie Crosby? How do they not rate on the list of "The Very Best Worship Songs of All Time" ? How is Messiah not on here? Or Vivaldi's Gloria? I enjoy Paul Baloche as much as the next person, but is he really one of the 25 best worship music composers OF ALL TIME? I highly doubt it.
Oh, and this. As a selling point, they mention their international flavor, with music from Australia to the UK to Ireland to the U.S. Yep. Truly international. Although. . .pretty white, too. Funny how nothing by any Mexican composer made it here. How do we know "The Heart of Worship" is definitively better than a song being sung in an underground Chinese church right now? Or something being sung under a tree in Africa? Or in the jungles of New Guinea? Being a Covenanter, I should point out no Swedish songs made the list either.
Seriously. This is offensive. (the fact that if you follow that link, the album shows up under a banner ad for a new Casting Crowns CD is offensive, too, but that's a different story for a different day).
Who sits in a room and comes up with this stuff? They ought to be smited.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Somebody always has to take it too far
Just when I vow to give up sarcasm and cynicism for Christmas, I have to come across this.
Apparently, some well-meaning people want to help Christians in their attempt at 'putting Christ back into Christmas." So they came up with a Christmas tree with a huge cross in the middle. Not very subtle there. And nothing like having your kids scrambling to unwrap their presents, all with a massive execution device hanging over their heads.
Nothing says "Festive" like a polished wooden cross glaring at you from your living room.
Please. . .somebody turn it off! It hurts too much!
Oh, and if that's not enough, check out these marvelous tree toppers.
Maybe Christians could all wear these instead of Santa Hats? I'm afraid we're going to scar our kids for life. They'll actually be afraid of our Christmas trees.
These are all just wrong on so many levels. Not the least of which is that
CHRISTMAS IS NOT EASTER!
There. Felt good to get that out of my system. Now I need to go drink some egg nog to restore my Christmas Spirit.
Oh, but to end on a constructive note: It has long been my contention that we would do a better job of putting Christ back into Christmas if we spent less time and money and energy shouting at people and forcing our views onto them, and more time and money and energy simply being the people of God. Want to put Christ back into Christmas? Then don't spend $300 on a tacky tree. Instead, bake some cookies for your neighbor. Buy presents for your co-workers. Go feed people at the homeless shelter (like one of my friends is doing on Christmas day). Forgive somebody for something they did this year. Make a donation to a worthwhile charity. Visit your mother-in-law. Go caroling. Spend some time at a nursing home. Rake a widow's yard. Call somebody just to say "hello." Smile at people in the store. Thank somebody for doing their job (like the paperboy, the check-out clerk, the police officer who just pulled you over). Let the Light of Christ shine through you into the world by serving others. That's the way to put Christ back into Christmas.
Apparently, some well-meaning people want to help Christians in their attempt at 'putting Christ back into Christmas." So they came up with a Christmas tree with a huge cross in the middle. Not very subtle there. And nothing like having your kids scrambling to unwrap their presents, all with a massive execution device hanging over their heads.
Nothing says "Festive" like a polished wooden cross glaring at you from your living room.
Please. . .somebody turn it off! It hurts too much!
Oh, and if that's not enough, check out these marvelous tree toppers.
Maybe Christians could all wear these instead of Santa Hats? I'm afraid we're going to scar our kids for life. They'll actually be afraid of our Christmas trees.
These are all just wrong on so many levels. Not the least of which is that
CHRISTMAS IS NOT EASTER!
There. Felt good to get that out of my system. Now I need to go drink some egg nog to restore my Christmas Spirit.
Oh, but to end on a constructive note: It has long been my contention that we would do a better job of putting Christ back into Christmas if we spent less time and money and energy shouting at people and forcing our views onto them, and more time and money and energy simply being the people of God. Want to put Christ back into Christmas? Then don't spend $300 on a tacky tree. Instead, bake some cookies for your neighbor. Buy presents for your co-workers. Go feed people at the homeless shelter (like one of my friends is doing on Christmas day). Forgive somebody for something they did this year. Make a donation to a worthwhile charity. Visit your mother-in-law. Go caroling. Spend some time at a nursing home. Rake a widow's yard. Call somebody just to say "hello." Smile at people in the store. Thank somebody for doing their job (like the paperboy, the check-out clerk, the police officer who just pulled you over). Let the Light of Christ shine through you into the world by serving others. That's the way to put Christ back into Christmas.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
And you have to hear this one (if you haven't already)
The Jesus Cosmetics Line. Have you seen this on the news yet?
"The range, named Lookin' Good for Jesus, was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state" [of Singapore].
"The products included a 'Virtuous vanilla' lip balm and a 'Get Tight with Christ' hand and body cream, featuring a picture of Christ flanked by two adoring women."
If you ask me, the whole thing is pretty funny. Sacrilegious, sure, but funny.
Besides, we're the ones who came up with Bibles that look like fashion magazines.
"The range, named Lookin' Good for Jesus, was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state" [of Singapore].
"The products included a 'Virtuous vanilla' lip balm and a 'Get Tight with Christ' hand and body cream, featuring a picture of Christ flanked by two adoring women."
If you ask me, the whole thing is pretty funny. Sacrilegious, sure, but funny.
Besides, we're the ones who came up with Bibles that look like fashion magazines.
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